Alright folks, buckle up. Decided to finally mess around with Football Manager yesterday. Everyone kept banging on about it, so I figured, how hard could it be? Spoiler alert: way harder than kicking a can down the street.
The Big Plan (Or Lack Thereof)
First, I fire up the game. Screen pops up, asking me to pick a team. Scrolled for ages, half these clubs I ain’t even heard of. Ended up picking some random lower league team – looked cheap and cheerful enough. Figured lower stakes, right? Less pressure. Famous last words.
Game throws me straight into the manager’s office. Bunch of emails just sitting there. Felt like Monday morning inbox hell. Staff telling me players are injured, the training pitch needs work, someone wants a new contract… Overwhelmed? Yeah.
Dug into tactics. My god, the options! Formations everywhere, sliders for everything. Like trying to pilot a spaceship with knobs I didn’t understand. Wanted to play attacking football, obviously. Dragged some players around on this virtual pitch, made lines go upwards. Looked aggressive enough to me. Clicked ‘confirm’, feeling smug.
Reality Hits Like a Defensive Header
Jumped straight into my first friendly. Full of optimism. Hit ‘Continue’ and watched it unfold… Absolute car crash. My shiny attacking tactic? Yeah, wide open gaps at the back. Opponent waltzed through my midfield like it wasn’t there. Lost 3-0. To some village team.
Back to the drawing board. Fiddled with the tactics again. Less attacking? Slapped a “defend” duty on a few players. Couldn’t hurt. Started the next friendly. Different village team this time. Slightly less terrible. Went 1-1. Progress? Maybe?
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My transfer strategy went like this:
- Searched “free agents”
- Filtered for “cheapest”
- Signed anyone who could vaguely run and had legs
- Prayed they weren’t awful
Mostly awful. Found one guy who seemed kinda decent? Offered him peanuts for a contract. He laughed and rejected it. Fair play to him.
The Downward Spiral
Season proper started. First game: disaster. Second game: disaster squared. Third game: somehow scraped a draw. Relief!
Then the injuries hit. My one decent striker? Twisted ankle warming up. Key defender? Pulled a muscle chasing the mailman (probably). Squad looked like a hospital ward.
Board kept sending emails – “We’re concerned about performances.” Yeah, no kidding? Felt like telling them to shove it. Didn’t.
Started trying to figure out training schedules. Broke everything more. Players moaning about workload. Coach reports saying guys were confused. Match reports called us “disorganized” and “naive.” Harsh, but fair.
Why I Quit (For Now)
Lost five games in a row. Fans were furious. Board meeting popped up – “Back us or sack us.” Clicked continue. Bam. Sacked. Fired. First job lasted barely a season.
Why do I know this hurts? Because I genuinely thought, “I’ll just play an hour.” Blinked, looked up, and it was dark outside. Five hours gone. Poof.
Tried playing the “just one more match” game. Ended up rage-quitting. Screw those virtual players. Screw the demanding board. Screw the entire goddamn simulation. Maybe I’ll start unemployed next time… or maybe I need to stick to watching highlights. Brutal.
